the whole ADHD thing

So, yes, the week at NWBCC was very helpful, and a turning point, in many ways, but it turns out there was a larger problem that has been underlying our on-going issues for a very long time. Someone, back in mid August, suggested that I read the book “The ADHD Effect on Marriage” because they were suspicious that Lon might have ADHD- I can not remember who it was, if you know you did that, please contact me, I want to THANK you!!! That book has changed our lives. I didn't start reading it right away, but did a bit of on-line research at first, and just before I left for Walla Walla, to help Annie with the wedding, I gently suggested to Lon that he might want to consider the possibility that he may have ADHD (when I did the online 'quiz' he seemed to have 9 out of 10 of the symptoms)– and that the likelihood that he did, might be affecting our relationship. The main reason that he was able to take that in so easily and be open to the idea, is that I had realized that back in February we had gone to his sleep doctor and asked if there was a less expensive way to treat his sleep issues (he has Idiopathic Hypersomnia – basically, he falls asleep very easily, but they don't know why – it's not Narcolepsy or sleep apnea, he just falls asleep easy – this was diagnosed during that same crazy week, in April of 2011, when he got the job in Nashville, and when the tornado hit us!). The med they had him on was over $500/month! (our insurance would not cover it, because it was deemed 'not medically necessary'!) They suggested that ADHD meds would also help with his sleep issues, and would be less expensive. So he was actually ON ADHD meds for just over three months, from March through mid June. Looking back, we realized that things were better between us, during that time – we had thought that it was because we were reading the pre-reading assignments for our visit to NWBCC, which I'm sure DID have an effect on things (another important book – which had sat on our bookshelves for over 7 years before we actually read it – stupid! - is “Love and Respect” - HIGHLY recommended!!) but when things turned south again in a rather major way in mid June, I went into a SERIOUS tail spin, as it was like all the progress we had made in May was gone down the drain. At that point someone I was talking to suggested doing the on-line quizzes, and reading that book (The ADHD Effect on Marriage). It was VERY revealing!! I floated the idea to Lon, and he was receptive, but of course, with the wedding, and school starting, and everything else going on, it took us a while to move forward toward actually doing something about it. It wasn't until early November that we went to the clinic and actually got the diagnosis – the Dr asked a bunch of questions and pretty much confirmed that 'hands down, without question' he has ADHD (quite likely has had it since he was a child!). Unfortunately they were saying at that point that the other Dr who would do the prescribing of meds would not have an available appointment to see him till December 7. I did NOT want to wait, but didn't see that there was a choice. So we were THRILLED when they called, mid November, and asked him if he wanted to come in for a cancellation that had come available. He got on the meds, and, just as the book said, “It made a WORLD of difference” - It's like I have the guy back that I married all those years ago!! Our lives are so much less stressful. The primary 'symptom' that Lon exhibited was his stress level. Because with ADHD it can be the case that there is little or no 'hierarchy' of 'importance' for items demanding a persons attention. A minor inconvenience comes in at the same alert level as a lion ready to pounce, so responses can be very unpredictable, and often quite disproportionate to the level of a typical person's response. Another major effect, for Lon, is that he can be rather forgetful, or simply not remember hearing me (or the kids) tell or ask him things. As you can imagine, this has impacted our relationship in a big way.

Knowing that this is all caused by ADHD, not Lon's negligence, has made it much easier to 'let it go' when 'stuff happens' and also, knowing that there is medication, that can temper the 'issues' (which it DOES!) is also a HUGE help, from my perspective.

I was not planning to do a lot of sharing about this, here, as I felt it was Lon's 'news' and if he didn't want it 'out there' I wouldn't put it up. But he brought it up, the other night, and said he felt we should include something about this, here, so that it might help to save others from all of the years and years of stress that we endured, with the ADHD undiagnosed. If you are not sure, ask. Call and talk to me, or get the book, or talk to your doctor. This is one of those things where people tend to try to say 'I can muscle through, I don't need meds' (Lon did head down that road a bit, too, but fortunately didn't spend too long there! And honestly, would a diabetic try to 'muscle through' without insulin? There are actual chemical imbalances, and structural differences in the brain of a person with ADHD, and the medicine helps to temper those differences and make your life (and the lives of those who live with you) better – why would you not want to take it!?

The more we think about it, the more we realize that our marriage is nothing short of a miracle from God. With incredibly high divorce statistics for:

- couples with ADHD onboard (particularly undiagnosed ADHD) (most marriages don't make it past 10 years with undiagnosed ADHD on board!)

- couples with trauma affected kids (we have TWO)

- couples where one spouse suffers from depression (which, it turns out, not only was I likely to have issues with that, due to the death of my mother – over 90% of new moms who don't have their mother at their side suffer postpartum depression – I was also at high risk because of Lon's undiagnosed ADHD!)

- couples who experience a major financial set-back (Lon has endured several lay-offs – which, by the way, were also probably tied to his undiagnosed ADHD, and/or his sleep issues)

- couples who experience major loss, due to natural disaster or house fire

We feel that God has sustained us through some pretty rough years. We are both ready to settle in and enjoy the 'happily ever after' part. But we also want to share, the things we have found along the way, so as to help those who come behind us to potentially find solutions, if they are struggling. God has blessed us richly!!